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He was just good at Psychology!

There was nothing about him that I didn't like. He was full of likeliness to be fell for. I was getting more and more into him with every passing day and it was natural, it was involuntary, and it was oh-so-majestically-beautiful. I was falling for him uncontrollably and to be honest I never regretted it.

There was not a single time when I was not thinking about him and this was clearly impossible for me to ignore him. Every time I looked, everywhere I looked - I looked for him. It was him I found my eyes searching for in the crowd of thousands and thousands of people. It was him I wanted to see, I wanted to catch the glimpse of even in the places where he was impossible to found. I found me looking for him in my room, in the middle of the night, whenever I woke up from the sleep, I used to search him in my family gatherings, I longed to see his face in the stupidest places like in ladies restroom, or in my arms, or alongside me - ironically, I never found him though!



I might be wrong but no I am not but I might be, I don't know. Wasn't he interested in me too? I think, I think. Whenever I mention something stupid about me, or something that I like, or something I want, he always seemed to be interested in it too, sooner or later. Do I sound stupid? I probably do. Oh, I certainly do. But I am not lying. He did that. He always did that. Or maybe it is just because he might like that same thing and it was me actually who was just looking for hints and clues, eh.

He used to mirror me, a lot, all the time. And I am not lying. He did mirror me a lot, quite often. I am sitting in a certain way and just some seconds later he is sitting in the same position. It was fun watching him mirroring me, I used to play with it, I remember. I used to keep on changing my postures time to time and it literally made me feel out of the world when he mirrored me later. Mirroring is a good sign, you know? According to psychology, we tend to mirror someone we feel connected with, and it is most of the times an involuntary action that we do without our interventions. And so, every time when I caught him mirroring me I felt a little happier.

I remember he always stood pointing his feet towards me, always-always. Be it if he is standing somewhere closer to me or really far far away, he always had his feet pointing in my direction. And I know this is pretty sick to write something like this when I was not even sure of his intentions or how he felt or anything but it was quite a big deal for me - quite a big deal of him standing this way. Again because, Psychology!

I have cracked some stupid joke, or when I have made a sarcastic remark, he is smiling a little wider, he is laughing a little harder. And every time when he did something like this I felt like I have accomplished my goal, I have made him happier, he is laughing, he is happy, and this is everything I have ever wanted - ever desired for.

It is our lab time, and it is just me in the lab, sitting, and waiting for everyone else to come. I saw his friends entering the lab and taking their seats, waiting for him to come, I am still looking at the door, and then there he is, entering, *he is so beautiful, my God*, his friends are calling his name, asking him to join them and then there is him walking towards me and taking a seat next to me, his friends hooting, he is smiling, I am confused, he is seating next to me. No, we are not talking. No, he didn't even say a word, or hi, or anything, he has only seated beside me - and I am happy. I am actually dying in merriment and excitement. He did this purposefully? Or he just seated there for no reason? Who knows, I am happy - a lot! And this is not the only time he has done this, he has been doing this for quite a long time now, in class, in labs, even in our benches area when we are free, or in corridors, I had noticed him a thousand of times doing this - and every time he did this, it made my heart goes hmm.

We are attending some lecture, I am looking at him, I am actually staring at him, and I kept gazing his face for so long and I don't care, he knows it, he is smiling, he is playing with his hair, he is now sitting in a way that makes it easier for me to look at him, he is cute, he is so cute  and I am still staring. Call me insane, or crazy, or stalker, or any names, I don't care! He tried to look at me, and he shied away,  he never had the courage to look into my eyes, make an eye contact, or stare at me directly, like I do. But he knew, always, that I am watching him, and that I am so much in love with him. And I loved it more that how he always manages to make me feel a little more comfortable falling for him as if I knew he is going to catch me in the end. I felt calm in falling for him because he somehow ensured me that he is there waiting for me to fall so that he can hold me in his arms - forever.



All the time, I am around, he is a little more attentive, a little happier, he is excited - and I don't know why, he is setting his hair quite often, looking at me, looking away, smiling, smirking. You can tell it easily after watching him that he is not just excited, he is anxious too, his pupils are dilating - clearly - and let me tell you he has those beautiful brown eyes that can make anyone fall for him in a split of seconds, and then that dilation of pupils, every time I saw him this way, it felt like I am stargazing, I am doomed, my feet have stopped touching the ground, I am in air - floating, no, actually flying - singing in merriment, the song of happiness, and love, and joys, and that how beautiful he is. I am praising God a little more for how he has created him so perfect, and flawless, and I am chirping like little birds in the early morning, versing Hallelujah!



And after all this, I found me asking if it is just me paying a lot more attention to him and so is it appearing this way or is he really doing this - that if he is actually interested in me just as same as I am in him? And then that night, that was the beautiful night, oh so majestically, undeniably, oh so perfectly beautiful night, one of my favorite out of all the nights we had spent together talking, that night he accepted it, he said it, he calmed my anxieties, he made me feel completed, he told me that I was not alone in this. He said he wanted to say something but he is confused. And I asked him to open up about everything, whatever he want, I am going to accept him anyway, and that he should never think for a second before saying something to me - never. I told him that to me he is perfect, all his flaws, and his shortcomings or his insecurities are what I found my home in. I ensured him that I am never going to judge him no matter what, and I am never going to stop loving him - whatever be the circumstances, and that to me, he will always be that one guy whom I have loved with all my heart without caring about anything or anyone - and that there will be nothing changing it. I accepted my love for him, I trusted him for what he said, I glorified every single word that came out of his mouth later, I treasured him, his presence, that night, and most of all his vulnerability, and his love.



He told me I wasn't alone, and that every time I looked at him, he looked at me too. And that there is a lot that he wants to tell me, he told me how he always notices me doing all those silly things, or cracking jokes. He notices me even when I was rolling eyes on some slightly unpleasant event, and how I laugh, or smile, or how I look like when I am angry, or annoyed. He told me he liked me in all of that and that even when I am a mess, and I am being reckless stubborn little girl, or when I am annoying, or superly nagging, when I am speaking shit, or swearing a lot, especially when I am the worst of myself, to him, I am perfect! And then I think that I was not alone. I was surely not alone. And that I was not wrong, I was right when I fell for him he was actually there to catch me.



That night was full of promises, vows, love, merriment. I was shaking, I was crying, but I was happy. I repeated every single word that he said like a verse of some Holy book. It felt like I am completed, I have got what I was meant for, life is beautiful, life is OH-MY-GOD-SO-BEAUTIFUL. Although we had a lot more of those nights but still it was one of its kind. I lived that night just to realize it later that I am still not sure if he did that intentionally or not, the only part of my question that has changed after talking to him and knowing him more closely is the part that if he loves me too or was it just me paying a little more attention to did he actually intend to break me or was it me who allowed him to cut my heart into pieces and then burn my feelings into ashes.



Worst part is that I am still keeping my words I said to him on that precious night, I am still not allowing myself to judge him, I still love him, and to me, he is still perfect, the blessing of God. But, now I sing a whole different melody, my songs are no more about happiness, and love, and joy, now I am more of a solitary reaper singing all alone in the fields that have been burnt to the ground, and there is just dust, and some ashes of my being, there is just blood of my heart and my feeligs, I am still in love with him and to me he is still that OH-SO-MAJESTICALLY-BEAUTIFUL person - just not mine. I still love him but I don't notice him anymore, I don't stare anymore, I don't smile whenever I find him looking at me. Probably because now I have realized, he was not in love with me, and that he is never goin to love me, the only thing he was good at was Psychology. And he aced it.


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