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To unlove him..

That day when I was talking about how it feels to love you they said, how about if you try to resist this feeling, to forget him and move on, to unlove him - that when I know loving you will take my life away, and that loving you is toxic, and deadly, and oh-so-brutal, then why am I loving you anyway, I should stop!

Listening to their argument, I smiled. I smiled and then burst into a laughter so loud. I laughed out loud all my pain, and aches, and tears. I gathered all my courage, smiled again - broad and bright. I took a deep breath and begin to speak - again - this time about how it is to unlove you.

Breaking the silence of the death, I uttered words - words they never wanted to hear. I stared at them all - one by one - and said, "Do you really think I never tried to stop, to resist, to get over him, to unlove him?" They all nodded affirming and I continued, "I tried, and I tried a lot to unlove him. To unlove him is like you are on ventilator suffering from respiratory failure, unable to breathe, to take in Oxygen. You realize that all this time when you were healthy and young you took breathing for granted. You believed that it will always be like this - it will always be easy to breathe. And now you are on the ventilator and you will need this for the rest of your life to survive."

They said, then take the vent. I smiled - this time with pain, and said, "You're on ventilator and you know you will need this all your life, and then you see the death angel coming to you, turning off the ventilator, watching your body writhing, struggling to breathe, your eyes vacant - looking at him, pleading to turn it back on, you really need it to survive. You need that ventilator to turned back to on to live. And you saw the death angel smiling at you - viciously, enjoying you begging for your life, coming towards you, taking your life away. Your eyes are now open - and dead. Your body is not moving anymore, that death angel turns the ventilator on again, and go away. Now all they can see is you breathing in peace until they don't come to check on you and realize you have gone - long gone."



I huffed and sighed and looked at them all again, this time they were quiet, a little embarrassed, and a little surprised after knowing the depth of my love. They were looking at me with pity in their eyes and then I continued with a broken smile, "I tried to unlove him, and to unlove him is like you order your favorite meal at your favorite restaurant. You are hungry and you saw the waiter bringing you food, it looks all delicious, you take your first bite, and it is as amazing as it seems to be, you're all happy, and thankful, and then in the midway, you realize their's something wrong with you, you noticed your nose bleeding, you felt like puking, and you rushed to the washroom and you vomit blood, you went unconscious, you are taken to the hospital, and the doctor told your food was poisoned, they started to treat  you, but your condition is getting worse, you're coughing blood out, you're losing your breath, doctors put you on ventilator and rest is the same - you died."



I saw many of them standing and leaving- their faces were pale, they were frightened, some of them, however, were still sitting, looking at me, questioning how can I love you this much, and then I began to speak again, this time words were coming with breaks, I was broken, I felt my face is wet, I was crying - quietly, unknowingly, I said, "I am on my way to Hawaii - my dream place, and I am singing with tranquility, I am all happy, enjoying the beauty of morning, passing through the majestic pine trees, and on my way I had an accident, my car rolls on the road twice or thrice and then I faint, I opened my eyes in the hospital, all the doctors around me trying their hard to save me, my vision is getting blurred, I am not breathing anymore" -- I laughed out like a mad person while saying it - "I am again on ventilator" -- I looked in front of me - the hall was vacant - they all had left, I wiped my tears, smiled again, and completed my sentence, "I am dead - again."



I tried to unlove you, I really did - but then I realize I am gonna die anyway - and that to unlove is more frightening and scary, and that it is better to die with your love in my heart - at least I am happy that way. I smiled again, stood up, and left the hall - with your love in my heart.

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