"I loved him so much, so earnestly, with all my being, and in return, he betrayed me, and left."
I still remember that day when I caught you cheating on me and instead of crying, I laughed hard. I laughed out loud with tears rolling down my cheeks so rapidly. I had gone insane that day, not because we were falling apart but because I had never, not even for a second, imagined you being disloyal to me, especially after five years of our happily beautiful relationship. It would have been really easy for me to be unfaithful to you when you were far away when we hardly talked, but I didn't, then how could you? How you did it so easily? Were the years we spend together, our moments, me, my love, that worthless? I laughed hard that day for wasting my time, my feelings, my love, my loyalty. But since then, I've cried in pain every night, every single night. It's like nothing has left, everything has vanished. I'm in utter nothingness. This loneliness is killing me inside and I'm hardly breathing and you know what still now when you've betrayed me for that random girl who hardly spent a week with you, I'm trying to convince me that you were not wrong. There would've been some misunderstandings that distance created between two of us and we lost it to the hands of misfortune because being together wasn't in our fate anymore. You would laugh reading this, thinking, how silly I'm to still think about you and regret - when I was not even wrong when it was not clearly my fault.
You know what I've never cursed you, nor the scars your love has gifted me. And I have prayed for you all this time, for you to be happy no matter what. I've always thought of all the circumstances that lead you to betray me. You were absolutely helpless that time, right? I'm sorry I didn't stay with you then, I should have stayed, I should have understood, I should have listened to you. But you should too know this, it was really hard for me, watching you wrapped up in her arms was unbearable. I still wonder how did I survive this shock, I must be so strong. And while I am writing this down, I'm crying bitterly, I'm hardly breathing. I couldn't tell anyone about it, no one can ever understand it, neither will you. Yet I am still writing it to tell you how much it has hurt me and how much it still hurts. I remember I had gone unconscious that day in your arms, in my betrayal's arms, and since then I have wished it every day that It would be better if I hadn't regained my consciousness. It'd be better for me to die right then because I'm still not alive. I laugh every day, I crack jokes and I try real;y hard to convince everyone that I'm fine but I am not. I swear I am not fine, not even close.
I'm numb and I couldn't help it. I don't want to want you back and I really want to get over this feeling, to get over you, this trauma. I don't want to think about you every time. I don't want to cry every single night but neither is happening and I am helpless. Please do me a favor take all your memories with you and leave, or come back and kill me cause I'm done and I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't I swear.
"How a person allows himself to cheat someone who has loved him selflessly, I wonder. You must be so brave to be disloyal to your truest lover and still having no regrets."